I had a really great surprise for Gllen last week and he ruined it. Back in December, I had discovered that his favorite Cartoon Network show was doing a live tour. I marked on my calendar the exact date and time the tickets went on sale - and when that moment came, I purchased the best seats available. I wondered if I should give these tickets to Gllen for Christmas, but decided against it, because I knew he wasn't getting me anything. So I decided to wait and give the tickets to him as a "Surprise - I love you!" kind of gift. I waited for over a month and a half to give him his damn surprise.
It seemed like it would work out perfectly. The day before the show, he mentioned that he wanted to go to MicroCenter. I was full of goodwill and told him "Oh, I'll take you there after work tomorrow!" Just getting him in the car was a giant hurdle, and now it seemed as though I wouldn't have to trick him into it.
All day at work, I was full of anticipation - I had romanticized the surprise in my head: We go to MicroCenter, we leave, Gllen realizes that I am not driving in the right direction, I keep quiet, we park in a parking garage and I get out of the car. Gllen complains (ok, not romantic, but I had to expect some irritation from him), We walk towards the Pantages Theatre, Gllen notices the marquee "Tim and Eric's Awesome Show Great Job TONIGHT!" and a look of realization/astonishment/awe/excitement/wonder crosses his face. Hug, kiss, happy ending - Janelle receives "Best Girlfriend Ever" Award.
This is NOT how it happened. I got home from work and eagerly ask, "Ready to go to MicroCenter?" Gllen was lazing about on the couch with Baby Laptop looking like he'll never get up. "I don't need to go, I fixed it." I took off my coat, defeated. How was I going to get him into the car? I sit down and try to make small talk... I only have a half an hour to come up with a plan, otherwise we would be late.
Like a turrets patient exploding out in expletives, Gllen says "Let's get some steak!" I jumped, figuratively and literally... Here was the answer! But we couldn't actually go get steak and then leave it in the car for hours, so I would have to stall, and then not actually take him to the grocery store. "Ok." I said, tentatively. "Give me a few minutes."
For the next ten minutes, Gllen's turrets did not ease. All I heard was "Let's get some steak! Let's get some steak!" I kept coming up with excuses why we couldn't leave yet. Here is how the conversation went:
"Let's get some steak!"
"I'm not quite hungry yet."
"Let's get some steak!"
"I need to go the bathroom."
"Let's get some steak!"
"My stomach hurts, let's wait a bit."
"Let's get some steak!"
"Let me check my email quick."
"Let's get some steak!"
"I need to call my mother."
Finally he decides he is tired of waiting and gets up to go get the steak on his own. I mean, seriously, can't he wait 30 frickin minutes to get some stupid steak? I ask him to wait for me, that I will go with him. He didn't want to hear any more excuses. "No, you just sit here and I'll go get the steaks." Great, now he thought I was being super lazy. I started to get desperate. "No, just wait a little while longer and I'll come with you. I want to!" By this time he is annoyed with me and says acerbically "You can stay here and I'll go. It's fine."
I couldn't let him leave to get those stupid steaks. Once he had them in his hands, nothing would stop him from cooking them. There was no way I was going to get him in the car again, and now my vague excuses had gotten me dis-invited from the grocery store trip. I began to beg. "Please don't go get steak. "
"What is wrong with you? I'm going to get steak. You don't have to eat any. Do whatever you want." This was accompanied by a look of utter disgust.
I grab his arms. This is a desperate gesture (and so cliche I'm about to vomit) and cry "Trust me! Don't get steak! Just wait! Why can't you wait? Trust me, you don't want to go get steak right now!"
Gllen obviously thinks I'm crazy. He's half laughing with the absurdity of it. He tries to push past me, to get his keys. He is now on a mission.
"You're ruining EVERYTHING!" I sob. Now Gllen wants to leave, not only to get steaks, but to get away from me.
Angrily, I lash out, "Fine! You'll be sorry!" I stomp over to my purse, yank out the tickets and fling them at him. "It was supposed to be a surprise!"
Realizing that he has erred, and erred badly, Gllen looks at the tickets sheepishly. At first he can't figure out what they are, but then he figures it out. He does give me the look of realization/astonishment/awe/excitement/wonder. In the end, I guess he was still surprised, but it wasn't the romantic version I had in my head.
Gllen is an obstinate donkey sometimes. And I guess I am a Steak Nazi.
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